Ode to the Colorado Potato Beetle

I was bitten by the gardening bug some time in the 1980s while still single and living in Dog Town in St. Louis. It began innocently enough with a few tulip bulbs and Marigold seeds, but once I got my hands in the dirt, I can't wait for spring. I'm a winter baby really. I absolutely hate to be hot, but I HAVE to be outside and see the miracle of a beautiful flower or delectable baby greens growing from the tiniest seeds. My husband mostly enjoys the fruit of my labors, but does take part with the heaviest work. 

 We have the garden ploughed and disked by a neighbor with a tractor, but we just have a rototiller to use after that. It's old and cantankerous, but Jim seems to manage to keep it chugging for the season. The ground is rocky as it can be which makes it even more of a challenge, but we particularly love home-grown red skin potatoes and pride ourselves in chemical-free gardening (none of Monsanto's mad science for us ;) 

 Consequently, the Colorado Potato Beetle is particularly pleased to join us in our garden each year. The adult beetle does not do any damage to the plants, but mates, lays orangish-yellowish-colored eggs on the underside of the plant leaves. When the larvea hatch, from a distance, you'd think it was ladybugs on the plants (which is a good beetle to have), but up close you see they are just all sizes of deep orange blobs with black spots. Jim was a champion picker-offer of beetles and larvae last year--he would pluck them off and put in a bag and then I'm not sure if he stomped the bag or put it in the fire ring. 

 It seemed like a lot of extra steps to me and, even though I'm not a person that likes to have ANYthing to do with bugs, it just infuriated me to have these voracious destroyers of my beautiful potato plants feasting. I wear gloves of course but now, just grab beetles, larvae or eggs and squish 'em. This year, they have already begun and I told Jim if he would tend the tomatoes this year, I would take care of the potato beetles. So, once a week or so, I go out to inspect each plant (there are more than 100 of them), plucking off beetles who are planning to lay eggs on my beautiful, healthy and about-to-bloom plants. It's a particular victory to catch the ones that are in flagrante delicto--I can get rid of two at a time that way and they haven't laid any eggs. 

 As I was about halfway through today's inspection, preparing for the second hilling of the potatoes, I came in to rest from the heat and the following little ditty just seemed to leap out of my mind on to the page and, while it's graphic and gross, it is how I feel about the little buggers for real. I give you my: 

Ode to the Colorado Potato Beetle 

Oh pickin’, pinchin’, –n- poppin’ on an afternoon in June; 

If you do it real fast it’s a catchy little tune 

Crunchin’ little golden eggs under the leaves, 

Don’t think too hard about it or you’ll start to heave. 

Little Colorado beetle in your spiffy striped suit, 

I’m workin’ real hard to give you the boot. 

You and your orange and spotted larvae,

Go away from my garden, please leave today! 

 Otherwise, I’ll just be: 

Pickin’, pinchin’ –n- poppin’ on an afternoon in June; 

If you do it real fast it’s a catchy little tune 

Crunchin’ little golden eggs under the leaves, 

Don’t think too hard about it or you’ll start to heave. 

Those cagey larvae try to fool you with their color scheme; 

But I’m on to you fellows, gonna ruin your dream. 

Gonna squeeze and pop you just like bubble wrap; 

Ha ha ha, just take that and that and THAT! 

That’s what’cha get for playing in my garden fast and loose, 

Today my gloves are covered in nasty beetlejuice, 

It won’t matter in the fall when I’m diggin’ my taters, 

Pop, pop, pop…see ya later alligators! 

Just a … 

pickin’, pinchin’ –n- poppin’ on an afternoon in June; 

If you do it real fast it’s a catchy little tune 

Crunchin’ little golden eggs under the leaves, 

Don’t think too hard about it or you’ll start to heave. 

Sorry for the mental images. Maybe next time I'll talk about the lovely flowers we're growing and the cool greenhouse that my husband built for me this year!